The Rail Tale: Part 4

Continued from The Rail Tale: Part 3...

It is five past nine, and you can see half the coach dark already. People here sleep at nine. They want to utilize the sleeping seats fully. You are not going to sleep just right away. You need to process what happened since the time you got on the train. Now is the time when you can finally think about your journey in peace.
There are still some uncles yelling and laughing in the adjacent compartment. They might as well replace Dracula in the movie Dracula. They can scare the bejesus out of people when they laugh. Wonder why they don't put up signs saying, "Keep children away."
Anyhow, let them scare whoever they want to. You've witnessed worse.

People eat at really odd times when they're on a train. One odd family started their dinner at exactly 6:33 p.m. One particular individual sat idle, looking at his watch, and then, out of the blue, started eating at exactly 7:19 p.m. He took out a wafer packet and started chewing. Then, he stopped eating after five minutes, and resumed the process at 7:47 p.m. Why? You don't even wanna know. What's worse is that you are actually noting these times.

You are looking around. People are sleeping. Some are snoring loud enough to produce seismic activity in Japan. You sit and watch. This journey was tiresome, to say the least. You met uncles, aunties, creatures, and children -- you practically had a great deal of experience in just a day. No wonder you used so many of your skills. Yoga skills, conversation skills, smell blocking skills, facepalming skills, yada yada.
The drama is not over yet. It will be over once you get off the train. You pledge never to travel in such a train. But, you instantly realize you're not so rich as to travel in an A.C. coach everytime. You think it's better to handle a buttload of crap in a day than to waste your money. Fast forward to the next journey, you are regretting your decision.

You finally have nothing to do except for going to sleep. Just as you hit your pillow, you hear two men fighting. One of them has a 'waiting' ticket and wants to sit, while the one having a 'confirmed' seat wants to sleep and is hence, removing him from his seat.
On that, the seat-snatcher turns akin a red hot iron bar, and starts shouting. He says he also paid for a seat, hence he 'deserves' to sit. A monologue along the lines of human rights follows. Then, it goes on to the point where the seat snatcher wants to call the T.T.E. and the person with the seat says something about calling the police.

After approximately ten minutes of yelling, they reach an agreement - the one without the seat will sleep in the passage between two sides. Everything goes down to the same calm state as before - except the uncles playing cards, of course.
You keep lying down, and soon, go into a mode of deep sleep. Just as you're about to reach the pinnacle in your dream, the train stops at a station and you are awakened by the noise of the people running and screaming outside. You open your eyes like a vampire who's just been disturbed in his grave. You look at the time. It's just 10. It is going to be a long night, you think.

Hours pass the same way, with you getting up at intervals of roughly two hours repeatedly. While you're sleeping after waking up for the fourth time, you are again awakened by people yelling in the adjacent compartment. Not again...
Apparently, one of the men has a small daughter, who was sleeping in the middle seat, while the man without the ticket was sleeping in in the passage between the seats. In her sleep, the girl fell down from her seat and on the man. With this, the man picked up a fight saying, "She did it intentionally."
This fight is louder than the previous one. The man without the seat threatens to call the police, and the police actually arrives. When the story is narrated to them, they almost laugh out.
Who wouldn't? They are fighting over something so dumb, it's like they're three-year olds.

The fight subsides after half an hour. You finally get up and go to brush your teeth. There is a long queue near the washbasin, and the toilets are occupied. People have started taking baths inside those toilets. How they do it will be a mystery foever.
People turn perfectionists when it comes to brushing in trains. They might not even brush on regular days, but in trains, they take full five minutes just moving the brush inside their mouths. So, basically, after fifteen minutes of waiting, you finally get a chance to brush your teeth. You do it as quick as possible and go back to your seat.

Back at your seat, you finally think you're done now, when three eunuchs come stand beside you, asking for money. Calling you epic names, and giving you blessings like you'd have never heard before, and thus, embarrassing you, they cause you to want to give them money to have them go.
You take out your wallet to give them 10 rupees, but aren't able to find the money.
"Arrey, beta, give me ten, I'll give you change if you don't want to give more," says the eunuch.
You are super-embarrassed. Everyone is smiling.
"Actually, I was going to give 10..." you try to say, but no one hears you.
You end up giving 10 rupees anyway. They go away after pestering other people of the compartment. You have a sigh of relief.

The train goes on forward, and in no time (kidding. Every second feels like an hour), the train is finally arriving at your destination. You take your bags and go for the door. But, you aren't the only one to get off. There are more than 10 people complete with luggage, who have to get off the train. Everyone starts pushing the next person in line just for the fun of it. You almost fall while trying to control yourself from the sudden jerk.
The train stops at your station. As you try to get off, people selling food items climb inside the train. On top of that, those who are boarding start getting inside like it's their only chance. You struggle more than you did when you got in, and finally, are thrown out of the train with your bags. Never before in your life have you been so happy on being thrown out.

A unique experience is the only way you can describe the journey -- a journey that taught you so much in just a day. You met different characters, you encountered awkward situations, you talked to all sorts of weird people and finally, you witnessed some really cool fights. In the end, this experience was like none before. Just a train journey can change you in ways you couldn't even imagine is what leaves you surprised.

You feel the fresh air, and walk away with your bags into the distance.
And thus, ends your journey in the sleeper coach of a long-distance Indian train, but you know it's not the last one. There will be many more to come, each one as exciting as the other.

The Rail Tale: Part 3

Continued from The Rail Tale: Part 2...

Just as you get out of your compartment and into the passage, you look both sides. Your view does not go beyond the fattest, baldest uncles standing just a metre away from you. The train is jam-packed. You wish you hadn't chosen to take a piss, but now it's too late. You choose a side, and ask an uncle to make way for you. He just rotates his body two inches, and stares.
"How am I supposed to get past this truck?" you think.
Had it not been for the little yoga you learnt sometime in your life, you wouldn't have made it. Indian Railways makes sure that the passengers have a good deal of exercise while travelling. And this was one instance of it.
You move ahead, but just after a few steps of dangling around like a drunkard, you are blocked. You are surprised to see a giant chicken in your way!
Oh wait, no, that's a big fat auntie in a yellow sari.
"Excuse me!" you say.
No movement.
You repeat. No reply. No movement. You look around. There are people in the audience waiting for something to happen.
Is she dead?
"Excuse me," you shout.

She turns around, and looks at you like an animal of prey. Seeing that you need to pass, she moves her leg by an inch. She stares at you as if it's your fault that you need to urinate.
You use your yoga skills again, and jump across her fat chicken leg, only to stumble and push another person in the front. After about five seconds of hearing him swear, apologizing to him, and pushing four more people on the way, you reach the toilet.
One is the Western Toilet, and one is the Indian Toilet. What to choose?
At this point of time, let me give you a piece of unwanted advice. However attracted you may be to 'Western' culture, never, ever choose a western toilet in an Indian train. You might see sights you didn't want to, and end up getting a share of the Indian hospitality. You don't wanna do that.

You enter an Indian toilet, after waiting for ten long minutes. People who go in in haste return in peace. The uncle who just got out looks extremely peaceful. That's not a good sign.

The fragrance of the toilet captures you. You suddenly start realizing this might be a hands on training experience in case you go to hell after you're dead. Something like, "Those who sweat in peace bleed less in war." Sight comes next. There are little patches of leftovers on both sides of the toilet. Afterall, people do like leaving souveniors for the fellow passengers. Awww!
You do what you came to do, and get out there as soon as you can. You shudder on your way out.

The chicken auntie seems annoyed that you have come back. She was wishing you'd die in the toilet. Afterall, moving her body is a feat of strength. Nevertheless, she budges half an inch, and lets you pass anyway. You stumble on her leg, and get your face into her curves. The people around you start laughing, as you get a lecture on 'etiquettes' towards women. Your cheeks turn red with embarrassment, and you run away from there like a road runner in a hurdle race. After encountering the same people on your way back, you finally reach your seat. But, you find your seat has already been occupied.

The auntie on the seat is an angry bird - both in her body shape and her temperament. From a minute of quick deduction, thanks to Sherlock, you figure out that she's the friend of your neighbour auntie, the one she talked about, the one with whom you had to exchange seats. Looks like she's already captured yours.
You try to take a step forward. Both the aunties give you a sharp look, as if you're a sex predator, and they karate experts ready to pin you down. You stop there. Even Sheldon Cooper wouldn't get his spot in such a situation.
You try to say something, but they turn away and resume their talking.
Saying they are vociferous would be an understatement. They are so loud that the entire coach can hear them. They laugh like witches designing an evil potion. They burp like they're going to rock the train over. And what they talk about could cause the entire compartment to give facepalms.

"Oye! Smell my perfume! It's awesome, right?"
"Haan yaar, where did you get this?"
"Arrey, I got it as a gift in Pinky's wedding. You know it's very costly... Others got sarees. I got this plus the perfume! That means I am her fav aunt..."
"Haye! I wanted to attend the wedding. Would've gotten a saree too!"
"I know. You should've come. The food was so delicious that I tried everything! Didn't leave a damn thing... And in the end, I barely managed to finish it all! Although Pinky wasn't looking that good in her lehenga during the wedding. She didn't even go to the parlour, you know? She didn't look that fair! Even the kaamwali Sarita was looking better than her!"
Shit just got real.
"As if the boy she's marrying is fair."
"Yeah. And you should have seen me dancing in Pinky's baraat! Everyone was looking at me, even Monu's mausa. I think he has a crush on me!"
"Hain?"
"Yes, yes, the way he was looking at my body, and then my dancing. I'm telling you... Anyways, he's not happy with Meenu. She is just a gold digger!"

Meanwhile, you are still standing there, having no idea what to do.
You try to make some space to sit, but they all give you looks. What? 
"You go to my seat na... 42." says the angry bird.
Like a meek little animal, you obey. You go to the next compartment, and look around. There are people sitting all over. You try to make some space again. And everyone shoots you glances.
"There's no space here. Go somewhere else," says an uncle.
"I exchanged seats with that auntie," you say, calmly.
"So? That's not our problem."
My, my. If only someone could stab you at this moment.

You have an argument for five minutes, and it turns out that there are three people sitting there who don't actually have a seat. They have a 'Waiting' ticket.
"Excuse me, but I have a reserved seat. Let me sit," you say.
"This isn't your seat. Go sit on your seat," says the person without a seat.
You have another argument for nearly five more minutes, during which the seatless man gets emo, and throws in his tragedies of life. You feel like you're arguing with a chimpanzee. After few more minutes of T.V. serial drama, you are offered a few inches of space. Your butts squish with those of the adjacent person, such that if you were to squeeze any more, you'd turn into a diamond. Every now and then, the person opens up his legs as if he rules the seat. You wish for the nightmare to end.

After hours of continuous sitting and desperate attempts to avoid the 'seatless' maniac from capturing your little leftover of a seat, the Train Ticket Examiner (TTE) comes to examine the tickets. There's at least one thing in this entire journey that you don't have to worry about - your ticket. You proudly flaunt your ticket, and he signs on it. You can see all the Waiting List people hovering around him like flies around candy. The seat-snatcher who was just sitting beside you transforms into a flattering little baby. Words like 'sir', 'please', 'thank you', which are rarely a part of the Indian Railways Dictionary, are used in front of him. He just says "I'll see," and moves on.
Everyone gets back to their seats. The seat snatcher gives you evil stares.

The train moves further ahead, with time passing slower than an Indian queue moving forward. Everyone is jobless here, and everyone is trying to do something. You have completed half the journey. All that's left is a night to pass, and a bit of the morning. But you know better than to be relaxed. You don't expect anything good now, you just hope. Because you never know what could happen next...

To be continued...

Part 4 here

The Rail Tale: Part 2

Continued from The Rail Tale: Part 1...

You have finally settled down in whatever little place you could find. You felt happy for a moment. Now that moment's long gone. Terror is what follows.
You look around. The characters around you are distinct. They are trying to get involved into something, so that they can pass the 24 hours of journey that follows. In a quick glance, you can see an uncle, an auntie, and their two kids, age 10 or something. Gender does not matter. They are devils.

You quickly try to look in the other direction but fail miserably when the uncle catches you looking. You have to pay the price. Sigh.
"Where will you get off?"
"Surat," you say, trying to remove eye contact.
The uncle looks satisfied with the answer, you think. But, believe me, deep down, he is angered because you are going to be there for a long time, depriving them of space.
You exchange an angered look with the children for stealing your window seat.
"So, what do you do in Surat?" asks the madamoiselle, aka the auntie ji.
"I study in Surat."
"What do you study?"
"Engineering."
Just as you finish saying this, they'll have an eye talk. Engineering. As if that's a real field.
"Which college do you study in?"
"NIT, Surat."
"Kyu? Kisi local college mein nahi mila? (Why? Didn't you get admission in a local college?)"

That's it. That's a trick question. It is a trap meant to make you feel uncomfortable. May whatever your answer be to the question, you'll end up being an idiot.

Scenario 1: You keep quiet. The auntie ends up feasting on your embarrassment. She has got her substitution of the day's saas-bahu serial she's gonna miss.

Scenario 2: You answer with a "No." You end up looking like a doofus.

Scenario 3: You answer with a "Yes". You again end up looking like a doofus.

Scenario 4: You answer neither. And then start explaining. Three yawns and four "Whatever" facial expressions later, you realise she doesn't care. You end up shutting up in utter embarrassment, and she gets the equivalent drama of 2 saas-bahu serials.

Silence follows this exercise. You deliberately take out your mobile phone and start reading promotional messages from your mobile operator, just to avoid her. After ten minutes of passing time, you are back to Square One. You, uncle, auntie, awkward silence, and staring at each other.

Finally, even if you don't even give the least damn, you ask, "Where will you get off?"
"Mumbai," says the uncle.
You nod. Silence. Two minutes of looking at each other. Then you start looking out of the opposite window. The uncle sitting there starts thinking you have some kind of keen 'interest' in him, and gets flattered. Gallows would seem to be a nicer option now.

A minute passes by, and the children start with their usual tantrums. The big family bag spreading over three seats is opened, and it seems to be no less than a departmental store. All eatables are taken out, and distributed over.
You are offered a biscuit. You decline the offer very politely.
"Arrey, take it beta..."
You decline again.
"Le lo... Mummy ne mana kiya hai? (Take it. Has your mom instructed you not to?)"
*Facepalm*
Crunch crunch. You eat that biscuit like a doll. With a blushed face. About to get married. The auntie crunches about half a factory full of 'em when you come back to senses. You turn your face away and look out of the window. Again.

You feel something's fishy. Your suspicion becomes real when the auntie, suddenly tuning from her cacophony to a melody asks you if you could 'switch' seats with her friend in another compartment during the night. You feel like a juice carton. Again.
Now that you've talked to them, eaten their biscuit, they've owned you. Saying 'No' is like challenging them for war. And looking at what your situation is, you'd be terribly defeated. They have two young kids with just enough potential to ruin your sleep, who have been specially trained for such occasions.
You shiver at the thought.
You agree. They give a wicked smile, and give a mental hi-five to each other. You feel like you just got your foot in shit. Or in your mouth. Who knows?

The 'happy family' distributes the snacks around as if they know everyone in the compartment. The person sitting at the side lower seat, who has no connection whatsoever in this whole process is dragged in. The more the merrier, they say.
Eventually, that guy at the side starts talking too. And he is such a show-off. He is talking about things that he doesn't even know about. He talks about education, books, music and what-not, and the uncle-auntie pair listens to him as if he knows everything. Somewhere, in the middle, he says something so incredibly stupid, that you almost laugh out. Yeah, right.
The uncle and auntie look at you, and think you are dumb. You are again waved off as a doofus. He goes on nevertheless, continuing his epic mission of spreading the joy of 'knowledge'.

Amidst all this, there is one lady who is a 'saint', a true believer in God. She believes that she is a messenger of God, and it is her 'duty' to impart religious values to the fellow passengers, just in case they belong to an 'uneducated' family background. She talks about karma, she talks about saadhna, and half an hour of sermons, meditations and family prayers later, you wake up with a jerk. Turns out she's still talking. She talks about all the crap that make you start doubting you're in hell. You pinch yourself just in case you are having a nightmare. Unfortunately you are not.

This lady would've shut up, had it not been for the army guy in the upper berth who contradicted her on one point that 'he didn't understand', and pouring in his unwanted philosophy of Seventh House of desire and rebirth. The saint lady takes it personally, and turns into a tigress in a matter of second. Religion gets trashed somewhere in the middle, and in no time, they start about sanskaar (values).
If it were anything like Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, you'd give a shit. You look around for ways of exit, and end up on your way to take a piss even when you don't want to.

You think you've escaped hell. 'How worse could it get?' you think. But as the train moves further ahead, you remain completely unaware of what more is to follow...

To be continued...

Part 3 here

The Rail Tale: Part 1

This is my first of a few posts on the prestigious (cough) Indian Railways. I'm not much of a traveller. Yet. But, I've had a fair share of long distance travelling through trains. I have lived in Chandigarh for twelve years, and every year, I have travelled to Gujarat for visiting my relatives. So, the 24-26 hour train journeys have been a very known circumstance.

For starters, Indian Railways is no different from an adventure - you'll have a fair share of life experiences while travelling, more so if you are in for a day or more. Let me lay it out for you very briefly if you're a rail virgin. You'd normally travel in either Air Conditioned or Sleeper coaches. Air Conditioned coaches are well, air conditioned. And Sleeper coaches are not. Since many people travelling in A.C. coaches can afford to do so, they are not of interest in this post. I am focusing on the Sleeper Coaches. Those who have witnessed them would agree.
In a sleeper coach, there are 'compartments'. One compartment has 8 seats - 6 on one side and two on the other side of the walking passage. Here's one rare schematic I found on the Internet:

You can see on the left side of the schematic the 6 seats on one side of the passage and the two on the other side. Here, LB means Lower Berth, MB Middle Berth, UB Upper Berth, SLB Side Lower Berth and SUB Side Upper Berth.

So, enough with the boring facts. I guess y'all got the system. You might be asking why I was boring you with all these facts. Hold on to that thought. I'm assuring that this effort of mine to crowd your already awesome brains with new information is not going to be a waste.

Let's start the tale now. Your train has arrived, and you move your eyes around searching for your coach, say S-7. As the train moves along, you look around. A lot of poverty stricken people - with no luggage whatsoever -  are running towards a coach as if someone's throwing away free money. Before the train even stops, half the people have boarded that coach. Be cent percent sure that's the 'General' coach. Don't even think about boarding it. Either you'll find yourself lying down hurt on the platform, or inside that coach. Sources say hell is better than a general coach of a long distance train. So, if you've gotten into a general coach by mistake, then you'll be coming out of it as a transformed person. People have been noticed to start giving life lessons after such experiences.

The train has stopped, but your coach stopped at a considerable distance from where you were standing. You run towards it, because the train only stands there for 5 minutes. You feel like you're competing in a sprint race. Everyone even remotely concerned with S-7, whether they're boarding or not, are hell bent on knocking you over and getting into the coach. You reach the door, but the situation is not much different from that of the general coach. Here, you find people pushing each other to get in, or get out. The doors are specially designed to let only one person go at a time. I know, right? Tragedy is that there are people both trying to get out and get in. Aunties start screaming at this point, taking control of the situation and giving life advice. Arrey, sabko mauka milega (Everyone will get the chance), Thoda jaldi karo na (Be a little faster), Bhaiyaji, aap beech me mat aao (Don't get in between). You wish you could just die.

You get inside after much effort, an auntie behind you still screaming at the top of her voice. She is using her body to stop other people from getting in. It's not over yet. You pick up your luggage and start moving forward to your seat, say 33. But, you're in for another treat. Your fellow passengers are paranoid when it comes to security. They might have a Facebook password like 123456, but on a train, they won't budge until they've 'set' their luggage properly and chained it to their seats. So, as you try to move forward, you see giant butts projecting out into the passageway, stopping you from going any further. The entire space is clogged and the auntie behind you continues screaming.

You try not to care. Very hard. But, then starts a fight between two men. Three aunties having no relation to any of these men whatsoever come in to intervene. Only to make matters worse. Apparently, one of them has a lot of luggage, and is trying to make some space. One of the men is hunted down like a weakling by the aunties around. Words fly like sparks. Things go haywire. And you already start choosing the best mental health facilities in the area. You realize some of the people are still stuck outside the train, and in an effort to help make space, you move aside. A heavy auntie comes from nowhere and occupies even more space than you did, rendering your effort completely useless. You get your lesson. Don't care, whatsoever.

Pushes come next. Like a wave, you're thrown forward, kicking someone in the behind and getting to hear them curse. One very emotional auntie ji will start her saga of the cruel world and its ways, with complaints enough to fill in a notebook. You move on, nevertheless. People are still 'setting' their luggage. Turns out some of them even have an instruction manual with them on 'proper space management during rail travel'. These books are carried mostly by aunties (no surprise). As I said, aunties are the people in charge when it comes to rail travel.

They just use you. Very bad. You'll feel like an empty juice carton after your encounter with one of them. So used. And so, they'll be instructing their sons or husbands on how to put the luggage in. What direction, what angle, it is all in their hands. In case they're travelling with children,  just run away. And never look back. Because, they are the real weapons. Before you even get a hint of what's happening, an auntie would have sweet-talked you and one of her children would be sitting at your window seat, while one of her carry bags occupying three more seats. You'd sit down and simply shudder, like a helpless prey, about what's to happen as you move on to this journey.

But you smile, because you've at least got to your seat. While still having no idea what's to follow...

To be continued...

Part 2 here